Friendships That Last A Lifetime
Recently, a friend who had a formative effect on my life died suddenly. He was the first person my sister and I became good friends with as we found our way in the LGBTQ community in the mid-90s. We immediately became thick as thieves with him and his then-boyfriend, now husband, and for decades, we continued our friendship through long-term partnerships, dogs who were best friends, and a kid. Then, a couple of years before the pandemic, we drifted apart. Not for any reason I can recall other than it is hard to maintain relationships when life is coming at you fast, and people are spread across the country.
Growing up, I did not have many friends. My sister and I are twins, which was already an oddity in our Catholic grade school, but we were also tomboys. This meant not only did we not have many friends, but we were also relentlessly bullied over eight years. I wrote all about that experience in a Huffington Post article titled “It Honestly Does Get Better.”
Therefore, I always yearned for a tight-knit community of friends like I would see on TV or, honestly, like my wife has with her grade school friends of 40 years plus. I was envious of their depth of knowledge of each other and their collective pasts together. Of their acceptance of who each other was and who they had become. Friendships have always been meaningful to me, and I am not alone. A survey by the Pew Research Center found that 61% of adults in the US stated, “having close friends is extremely or very important to…a fulfilling life.” To put this number in perspective, only 23% and 25% of people surveyed stated that being married or having children, respectively, was very important to a fulfilling life. I don’t entirely agree with those low percentages, as I find my wife and kid very fulfilling. Still, I understand the sentiment.
Friendships are unique relationships, mainly without the specific demands of being a partner or parent. As I have gotten older, I have learned the value of finding and keeping friends and of the deep connections made with long-term friends over time. However, making and keeping friends as an adult takes work, and for a period of about five years during my PhD program, I wasn’t very good at that work. So, after finishing my PhD and having a more self-sustaining kid, I began making a concerted effort to reconnect with old friends. People who I cared about or had a profound effect on my life over the years, who I had lost touch with for no reason that I can ascertain other than life happens, people get busy, and time quickly passes.
It has been a joy reconnecting with these folks, especially after so many years of what felt like isolation from work, grad school, parenting, and general adulting. All things that can have detrimental effects on one’s physical and mental health; it definitely did a number on me! Luckily, research has shown that having close friends decreases the chances of depression and anxiety, as well as certain medical conditions and chronic diseases. Friends really are a win-win!
Now in my late 40s, the deep, life-long friendships I had once desired have blossomed. Reminiscing with friends I have known for so long and seeing them alive and well in a world that can be a terribly unfair, dangerous place — is no small thing. I didn’t get a chance to reconnect with my recently deceased friend. I had seen his husband, also a close friend, at a conference not very long ago, maybe a year or so (time is so weird), and I swore I’d stay in touch. And then, just like a fleeting thought, I never did — I wish I had. Not having him in the world feels like an end to a time that was so special and significant. I am devastated for his husband and all his community. As one of his obituary write-ups stated, “…he was a selfless force that lived and loved loudly.” He was absolutely that and so much more. I am devastated that I never made an effort to reconnect with him, and I am devastated that I will never have the chance to do so.
I will keep him in my heart and mind forever and use him as a reminder that life is too short. I am lucky to have all of these friends back in my life. I will work hard to keep them there for as long as life allows. I will also continue to forge and grow new, long-lasting friendships with others because life is hard, and friendships make the world a better, more tolerable place.
